If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
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If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
This is painfully accurate 😅
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.