@Laser_Cat

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

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@Sassafrantz

When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

@PetrickSara

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

@MooseAllain

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.

@theshantilly

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

@13spencer

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

@NotBachibawlz

Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….

Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot

@QwertyJones3

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

@DomesticGoddss

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.