If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it