If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

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When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.


The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”


In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.


Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.


Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.


Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….

Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot


Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*


This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.