@lwhit_the_boss

If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain’t no hope for the rest of us

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@eileencurtright

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

@TheDreamGhoul

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

@thepaulahunt

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

@TheCiscoKidder

I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

@fridaycandy

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

@

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@jazmasta

BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

@UrFavAsianGuy

I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.

@chuuew

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”