[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
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When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words