@lwhit_the_boss

If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain’t no hope for the rest of us

If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain’t no hope for the rest of us

- @lwhit_the_boss

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@Brianhopecomedy

I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.

@RandomlyMJ

Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.

@AsgardianRose

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

@EndhooS

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@iRowlf

You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

@SortaBad

I’ve been informed by TSA that my man-bun is not allowed on the plane. They fear a riot from horny women clamoring to sit next to me

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?