If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
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I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.