If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.