PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
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ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If someone ever challenges you to a fight, pull your pants off and chase them crotch first. I’m currently undefeated with this method.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake