@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

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@SortaBad

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

@ArfMeasures

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

@UnderTheJewFro

If someone ever challenges you to a fight, pull your pants off and chase them crotch first. I’m currently undefeated with this method.

@SteveSuckington

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

@SaveItForFest

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

@

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@HitsBelowBelt

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

@TheBeerGuy_

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

@creamygoodness_

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake