If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
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I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Perfection.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.