If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
🐕🍷
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Denise please return my vape pen
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Just parrot things
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.