If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
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Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff