If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
You Might Also Like
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Terribly Tuesday.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
what’s really going on
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.