13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
this… may be the greatest story ever told
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.