If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.