If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
This came to me in a dream.
#CoronaOutbreak
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Mhm.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
no their not
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.