If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
You Might Also Like
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.