Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
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A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I feel it
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
philosophical skeletons be like