My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
good for her
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not