[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
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I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.