If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.

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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.


I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.


“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented


My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken


God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea


Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.


Knock knock

Who’s there?

Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”


Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?

Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt


Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.


A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.