Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
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*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I have a new favorite meme page
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Muppet Screams
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.