@shatterpants

If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.

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@SladeWentworth

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

@PamphleterandCo

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

@dumbbeezie

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

@Dustinkcouch

God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea

@MadScientist212

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

@VikeeysSecret

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”

@rebrafsim

Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?

Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt

@StillOnTheMoors

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

@causticbob

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.