So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
this is uni
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.