If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
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I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk