babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
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Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate