@robfee

If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.

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@UnFitz

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

@LoveNLunchmeat

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

@_AlexHirsch

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

@novicefather

I DO help with the laundry. My wife just doesn’t understand.

I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.

@turtledumplin

8yo: mommy how old are you?

Me: 46

8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?

@msalicenutting

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.