Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.
You Might Also Like
ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.
HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Like The Purge but everyone is tryin to murder Tim Allen & become the next Santa. Pls donate on kickstarter so I can finally feed my family.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.
PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook
CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?
PETER PAN: yeah
CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?
PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-
CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door