me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just this preview of the story is enough