If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
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[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.