WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now