If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.

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[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.


English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”


When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”


Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”


Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.


Ladies I’ll drive you crazy with my tongue

*Never shuts the hell up*


Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.


Why don’t search parties use joggers, they’re always finding dead bodies.


Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”


I send flowers “From Steve” to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn