If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.