*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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guys I’m going home
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful