Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.