If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
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The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Twitter remains undefeated
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.