*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.