@IamEnidColeslaw

if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd

You Might Also Like

@Manda_like_wine

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

@AndyAsAdjective

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

@Home_Halfway

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant

@walterjean182

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

@sageboggs

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

@meatlobes

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

@Lisabug74

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

@bridger_w

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of