if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd

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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:


[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]



Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant


Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.


“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird


*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*


I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.


At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of