If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
sigh
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.