If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
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Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room