Mullet For My Valentine
If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.
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. No Shoes
Welcome To Walmart.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“I have a hunch.” – Inspector Quasimodo
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
me: u ok babe?