Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
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FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security