If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

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them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?


[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest


I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”


Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.


A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”


I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.


The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.


[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”


Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.