You say tomato, I say that’s a weird thing to say for no reason. We were just sitting here quietly, and you’re all “tomato.” You can leave.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.
Advice from a gas station attendant in Tennessee to avoid Coronavirus: “take a shot of Wild Turkey 101 before bed. It kills everything.”
“You’ve reached 911”
“This is not-”
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben shot real bad
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He’s Hulk Hogan, I’m The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?