If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
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Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Just how popey was the pope today?