If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

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They should tie loads of balloons to the stuck tanker like in UP


(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace


If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.


“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game


That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years


serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live


People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me


Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL


Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*