@n0tblonde

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

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@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

@SamGrittner

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

@SexyInsomniac

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

@TheMichaelRock

Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

@junejuly12

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.