@n0tblonde

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

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@truegritrumble

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

@KentWGraham

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

@odannyboy

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

@jacksfilms

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

@DurtMcHurtt

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

@lemonmartinis

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

@BuckyIsotope

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

@SardonicTart

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.