I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My daughter just found this vintage ad for birth control.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.