@n0tblonde

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

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@joeheenan

They should tie loads of balloons to the stuck tanker like in UP

@hardlyrelevant

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

@leshnevsky

If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.

@PickleRudd

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

@chris_witha_see

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

@sparticus_af

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

@JPLFR80

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

@BlackJerms

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

@WorstCassie

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*