They should tie loads of balloons to the stuck tanker like in UP
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*