@DestryBrod

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

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@Mr_Kapowski

After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@dorsalstream

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

@TheBoydP

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

@itsallbollocks

Me: ssshhh it’s still nighttime look the sun is still sleeping
5yo: the sun doesn’t sleep, mum, the earth rotates and the sun’s on the other side
Me:
5yo: you don’t know anything, do you

@Quanty_J

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

@stEPH_u_

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

@ibid78

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Jesus turned it into wine.

@AbbieEvansXO

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly