[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
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Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Duolingo getting serious.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
That’s fair
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
No chill.