I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
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If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.
Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I need to lay off the caffeine. My neighbor keeps complaining that I’m tackling her much more than usual