If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Always
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Sooo many times…..