If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
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Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I ate everything, including the H.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops