@withanewname

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

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@billcheek26

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

@portmanteauface

I bought up a shit ton of 60w light bulbs just before they got banned and I think it’s time to get rich selling them on the black market

@3sunzzz

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

@LaetPO

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.

@facciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

@Skoog

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

@mrjohndarby

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

@ImOnlineLol

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?