If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
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ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]