If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.