If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.


Instead of food, I put a note in my kid’s lunchbox that says, “just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children.”


JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape


The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive


*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*


[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.


Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.


I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.


“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.