I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
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no one likes gloating
Instead of food, I put a note in my kid’s lunchbox that says, “just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children.”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.