If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
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Cannot stop laughing at this
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.