‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

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“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”


Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie


Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no


Twitter…because if it can’t be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?


Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.


*braids your voodoo doll’s hair

Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA


All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.


KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.


Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away


Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition