@impJOKER

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

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@semple42

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

@JhonRules

Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours

@ThugRaccoons

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

@JeffLoveness

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

@OneTrickTofani

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

@newLettuce

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

@ficklenuts

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

@Big_Cat74

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)