So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
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Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)