@impJOKER
@semple42
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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@semple42
@JhonRules
Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
@Ideal_Victoria
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
@ThugRaccoons
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
@mrjohndarby
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
@JeffLoveness
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
@OneTrickTofani
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
@newLettuce
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
@ficklenuts
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
@Big_Cat74
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)