‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
put ‘er there pardner!
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I didn’t come here to be called names
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.