@impJOKER

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

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@causticbob

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

@dumbbeezie

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

@ArfMeasures

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

@archerenemy

Twitter…because if it can’t be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?

@papasuncle

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

@ThaJawn

*braids your voodoo doll’s hair

Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

@TheAndrewNadeau

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

@vinnycrack

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away

@DanaSchwartzzz

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition