@shariv67

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

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@ValeeGrrl

6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU

When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.

@LlamaInaTux

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

@torieannesalt

I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out

@AddledPixie

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

@YoungNobler

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

@garrettbarry70

There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.

@Dr_awfulpants

I don’t want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn’t trying very hard.

@TuSoonShakur

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

@LaceyNycole

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.