If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.