6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU
When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
I don’t want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn’t trying very hard.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Me: But not as much as coffee.