If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

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friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?


[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”


[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head


My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.


My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.


Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug


I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them


“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump


*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.


When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.