If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
#SCOTUS one-star review
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.