Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
You Might Also Like
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.